It seems that lately, I am consumed with trying to create balance in my life. For four years, as a single mother of four, I worked daily, almost frantically with only tiny glimpses of rest when I could no longer push myself. Now, as a newly married woman and an awesome husband who is clearly in this with me, we are finding our places. Having a partner in parenting and household chores is helpful and comforting. So, now that I find I am able to actually breathe and live at a healthier pace, I find that re-creating that balance is tough.
It's almost like going from a fast flow of our asana practice and then settling down into a yin style. I feel impatient and like I must be doing something wrong. Focus is tough because I am continually thinking what's next. At this place in my life, I am contemplating who and what I want to be when I grow up. Not only am I at the end of another year (almost), I am feeling the strong effects of a tumultous last five years. I went from being a home-maker to a divorced bread-winner and now again, married. But as anyone re-married knows, it's never the same. I will never again depend on someone else to care for myself and my children financially. So, that means that I must use my own vision and means to create financial 'security'. Moving from the place of 'security' to creating what you really envision is scary and risky when you have four children to care for.
And this is where my strong trust in God comes into play. I know that his plans for me are perfect and will always be revealed at the best time. I know that he is shaping and leading me toward the vision that he has given me. Yes, to me, yoga is living in union with body, mind and spirit. It is not just asana. It is not just meditation, or purification. It is everything, living optimally as God has made possible to us. Right now, I live my yoga as I walk and breath and reassure myself that I can, in deed find my way through another day.
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