My yoga; It's calling me......

It seems a long, soft struggle (no pun intended), to get rid of the baby weight from my surrogate pregnancy. I could think of a thousand reasons possibly why, but in short, it just really doesn't matter. I have a husband who loves me, thinks I am beautiful and sexy and I feel good about myself.......

BUT, I have longed to be the thin woman that I am most accustomed to. After having five babies, I am finding it hasn't been as easy to get it together fitness wise. Yet, I have let myself linger in healing. No matter how long or in what capacity the need has shown itself. I would have never guessed how difficult the surrogacy would have been on me.

For the last two months, I have been enjoying reaching out of my normal mode of connecting to my body. I have been doing Zumba, which really isn't new to me as I did teach it for a while before the last baby. But, the fast paced, cardio intensity has been just what I have needed to let lose physically. All the while, there has been a deep disinterest in my yoga, compared to normal at least. As a teacher and practitioner, it has been almost a decade of focus. After quitting my relationship with the studios that I managed, I have felt free to walk away from my mat. Now that I am gearing up to open my own studio, i have known that a focused study would be good for me physically and inspirationally, as I will be teaching a lot again. What I didn't know is that the craving, the drive, the desire would show up just when it needed to.

I now, am finding myself in that familiar place of craving the asanas. Craving the strain and surrender that only they can bring and again deeply appreciating the secret wisdom that I find on my mat; in my yoga. All I can say is, AHHHHH, hello Tara :-)

Surenduring in discomfort

As I swing the sledgehammer today, I reflected on the literal comparison in my spiritual life; that of tearing down walls. It seems that God is moulding me for a fine endeavor. One that I have set course for and am eager to explore, but one with tumultuous rapids! My spirit has wrestled and struggled for such control and I find it to be like fighting the rapids of a mighty river. You can strive all you like, but your effort can only have so much impact. You can see the falls ahead and it can be scary as hell, but you don't have any choice......NONE. The Only thing you can do is rest into the flow, set your ore for an encouragement toward direction. See the easiest flow line and aim for it. It's going to be one hell of a shift, but what is waiting on the other side is what it is all about...

I have struggled and tried so hard to prepare for all of these shifts; where will we live? how will we make ends meet starting a new business? what happens if we run out of money? Utter panic has at times tried to creep in.

We are working eagerly and daily on the project of opening our own facility for wellbeing; one that I so aptly know how to run. One that will be a delight to ourselves and the community. And yet, it is tough. Physically, spiritually and emotionally. Everything from my faith in God to make the actual budget reach to the trust that a home that will meet our needs will be provided for the move. Add to that excitement, the test of entering into a business partnership with my new husband after four years of being a rough, tough, divorced mother of four! OH, and one more exciting element: he is also the landlord of the business :-) Yeah, lots of dynamics. Honestly tho, it only tends to showcase what an amazing love relationship this man and I have. I am so utterly blessed. But.......it IS work ;-)

Bending over, I grip the hammer, pull the ventilator over my nose, shifting my goggles down. The assailant swung high above my head, I swing; WHACK!.........Whack........WHACK!!!. And on, and on. Plaster flying in my face and hair, I feel the flood of all the possible short falls. I am feeling the drain of all the fear. And a deep swoooooosh of breath again, I drop the tool, letting it fall limp at my side. Again; commitment. Swinging again over my head, harder now, SMACK, WHAM, BLAST thru the wall! As the light pours in through the other side, I know we are making a commitment to move forward. There is nothing that my fortitude cannot overcome. If it is hard, I will just work harder. IF it is lengthy, I will just work longer. If it is dirty, I will just get dirtier. Whatever it takes, I feel the faith fill me and know that there is nothing that stands between my success and this moment of utter ruin than me and my mind......... 'Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.' Mark 11:24.

My God, fill me with your Holy Spirit. Let me know that You are near. Let me trust in You daily as I fill my heart and those around me with the joy of your presence.