The ties that bind us

Today I take time to enjoy a leisurely Saturday at home (which means that I work, but at my pace and without the burden of home-school), and I am considering the ties that bind... the ties that bind me, my family, my students. We all have them. Through yoga, we are given the opportunity to learn that we need to release our attachment to our ideals and accept where we are with loving encouragement, hoping our ties will unwind. Let me give an example:


As a mother of four home-schooled children, I often found, and find, myself struggling to figure out how to overcome certain obstacles and help my children past them. As my two oldest are boys, there was a period in which I was regularly correcting and counseling them through their fighting and bickering. They saw one another, frequently, as an opposing force that they had no appreciation for. Out of almost desperation at one point, I decided to make them face their opposition until they relaxed into it and made peace with it (each other). Placing them belly to belly, I tied a bathrobe belt around them and set a timer for 10 minutes. If they fought, there would be time added. It always began with struggle and tears....pushing against the ties that bound them. They were trying to get away from what they perceive as unappreciable or unworthy of them. By midway through, there was tolerance, and by the end of every single exercise, there was appreciation for their perceived offender. There was peace, and dare I say, there was even love.


In a couple of months, I will be 39 years old. My mind tells me that this is young, but my heart knows otherwise. My life and path have not be easy, but I cherish my life and everything that has been part of it. In my mid twenties, I began to lose my health, which set me on the most beautiful path of struggle, pain, and growth. Through divine guidance, every turn and every event and perfect timing has brought me to where I am and made me the woman that I am. There have been highs and there have been lows and you might say that this has been my tie. I have at times pushed against it, cried over it, and even felt hopelessness over it. Daily, I am giving thanks that I was brought to yoga, because it literally has saved my life. It has not removed my tie, but it has enabled me to continue my journey of life.


With the last couple of years' burdens, my health has been further taxed and I find myself again feeling the tie around me. Each time, possibly, with greater wisdom. With deeper peace and appreciation for what the ties do for me. As I work with doctors and and I work with my God and all the spaces in between, I find that I am having to balance my inner wisdom, divine guidance, and the wisdom of health professionals and find peace in the process. It's as if the ties get bigger and tougher and stronger. But, my resolve to find peace is greater. With words that we have formulated emotional attachments to, like, Stroke, MS, and Parkinsons being spoken to me, I find myself deeply contemplating on what is true for me and what kind of reality will I create and how can I find appreciation for where I am at? There is the temptation to feel sorry for myself, to want to complain and dislike the ties that bind me. To even feel anger and jealousy toward individuals who can fully throw themselves into life, even yoga, and get ideal results. All of these struggles in my heart and mind cause pain from the tie digging in at me.


I have a belief that our minds are powerful and can create any situation in our body. For this belief, I have always worked to think positively, and not let my body and any complaints from it overtake my thoughts. However, I have come to a time that I can no longer remove myself from the physical state of my health. I actually have to face it belly to belly and learn what is going on and learn how to restore it.


My testimony for yoga is that it saves. It can bring you peace in anything by giving you a way to rest in the ties that bind. There are plenty of yogis out there that can show that yoga can make you look and act like a goddess. There are plenty of yogis out there that can make it sound as if they have no ties and they have attained that ultimate one-ness through sheer strength and determination. Not for me. My testimony for my yoga is that it is dirty, it is tough, it is sometimes painful and it is real. My yoga brings humility, reverence, and realness. It's earth. It's fire. It's wind. It's water. My body is the tie that binds and I am ever so thankful for every bit.

The Christian Yogini

For me, my life has grown through many struggles, and changes. I would say that the most potent mode of transport, has been my close walk with God, through my Christian faith. In fact, it is my recognition of God leading and moulding me that allows me to cary through life's toughest situations with the power of the Holy Spirit living in me.

So, one might ask, 'How does your Christian faith and your practice of yoga align?'. I say, 'Beautifully!' For me, my introduction to yoga was one of undeniable impact. When my body moved as I was being led through 'exercises', I literally exploded with emotion. It was like I was being connected to the deepest levels of ME. Because I had such a response to something that could be experienced as dry and static, I was intrigued. I began studying what yoga is all the way to it's origins, it's evolution and it's common threads as it evolved through cultures of different belief systems and religions. It's the common threads balanced with my rounded life long relationship with Christian ministry that allows me to comfortably discern where the implication of the science of yoga blends with some of it's guru's beliefs systems. Because this is such a hot topic, and one that I am passionate about, I have decided to devote this blog to this topic.

By devoting my blog to the Christian yogi, I will have a place that I can fully express who I am and share my journey through life, seeking union with God. Which is, the true aim of Yoga. It is my hope that I can guide practitioners of yoga so that they may practice their yoga confidently, and educated, rather than in, well, ignorance. I mean to use that in the truest sense of the word, and not as an insult. As we are all ignorant in many areas, this is one area that few Christians are going to take the time to sort out. So, what happens with Christians and yoga is this; 1. Believe that yoga is a religion and that they may not participate and that it is dangerous or wrong to do so. 2. Want to practice yoga, but be ashamed to admit it for fear of criticism by fellow believers. 3. Practice yoga, but covertly....you know what I mean. These are the ones who don't tell their friends that they 'do yoga'. 4. Practice yoga recklessly....this is one that will need a whole post to address. 5. Practice yoga intentionally, unashamedly, with the ability to justify the how, they why and have taken the time to answer those lurking questions (the Christian faith would liken this to apologetics).

In future posts, look forward to topics related to:

The origins of yoga.
The paths that yoga has evolved.
What is the aim of yoga?
Can a Christian practice yoga?
On not being 'led astray'.
How can I use yoga to draw me nearer to God?
What teachings in the classic yoga texts align with the teachings of Christ?
Was Christ a yogi?

I'm really excited to have a space where I can share my deepest threads of thought with those who need the support and guidance. Because I am a studio owner and I respect all clientele who join us in our space, I do not share my beliefs from my mat. I share what is universal in the threads of humanity and yoga. I do not influence my teachings in a way that would make others feel I am making them take my beliefs as their own when it comes with the right way to God. For this reason, I also do not tie in Buddhist, Hindu, or Shamanistic religious practices, either. I have a strong sense that this slant to toward teaching very well rounded and deep yoga instruction without any religious practices or influence has made me a popular teacher. And for that, I am very grateful. I pray that God continually lead me and guide me as I serve the humanity that He created and may in some way, draw them nearer to  Him.

It's time to get back to ME

Well, after 5 babies, and lots of stressful life situations, I am ready to mould my body into it's highest possible form! I have not lost ANY baby weight from the surrogacy (who's synthetic hormones seemed to have turned my body to mush), and it is time.

I've been watching many friends have great success with a program called the 90 Day Challenge. It took me a while to get into the space where I knew I could participate and give it my all, but now I am READY! Our center is open and life is settling into a rhythm. I'm so excited to begin this program and see it as a jump start on putting balance back into my life and body.

Look for posts on my progress. I'm not sure that I'll have the courage to post my 'before' picture, but I'll try....

Mothering, Home-Schooling, Single Mom..........

July 26th, 1992. I was 19 years old and after two and a half days, I gave birth to my first child........Eighteen years ago! It almost seems like a miracle that I am sitting here, my heart overflowing with emotions of pain, joy, struggle and pride. 

My father raised myself and my two older brothers. He loved us dearly and worked very hard to provide for us. I was able to visit my mother at summer and sometimes spring break, but to say that I have had any sort of role model for the life that I have now built would be crazy. For as long as I can remember, all I wanted was to have babies. And I sure didn't have to wait long. I embraced pregnancy and planned for a home-birth, also making other uncommon choices for my children such as circumcision, vaccination, infant feeding and schooling. It seemed that at every turn, I was faced with a new choice, but without any real experience to draw from. At one point, an overwhelming realization that I was 'winging it' came over me. For a while, I felt sorry for myself in this regard. And then, I realized that it meant I had no limits to the mother I could be. Without a life growing up observing my mother around 'mothering', I wouldn't be limited to her choices.

So, as I spent more than a decade having babies and finding out who I am as a woman and a mother, the journey was tenuous to say the least. I was young and inexperienced and had no childhood to compare these things to, being the youngest of the three siblings. It's almost as if one day, I looked at myself home-birthing, home-schooling, extended breastfeeding, non-vaccinating, hanging my cloth diapers on the clothes line......and I felt very alone. Isolated out in a little town before the advent of the social media market.....there was little peer support. Actually, I had none. In this 'isolation' of non-conformity, I found strength. I found a strength that I had no idea existed. The level of commitment that I felt toward my children in regard to my mothering grew to a fierce fire that would serve us all very well.

As my marriage fell apart after 14 years, I found myself a single, stay-at-home, home-schooling mother. It was terrifying, but I was absolutely unwilling to compromise my dedication to my children or my style of parenting. So, for four years as a single mother, I did whatever was necessary to remain at home and being the one to mould and educate my children. This time was full of anger, frustration, fear, pain, and bitterness. But finally, healing began to grow. Four years later, I was blessed to have married a man who had become my best friend. Although that road has not been easy with integrating another adult into my home, it has been a huge blessing. The support of a loving partner is irreplaceable.

I can now say that after 18 years of mothering, it has been by far, the toughest role I will ever fill. It has been harder and more rewarding than anyone could ever imagine (that is if a woman gives her all into it). I have questioned myself at every turn, learning to rely heavily on my God-given intuition and sense of instinct......learning also to pray and ask God when I think I can't go on. I have learned to stand confidently when I come to a choice or perspective, regardless of others' views.

So, as I sit here after the first 18 years of my adult life also celebrating the life of my first born reaching 'adulthood', I am overflowing with emotions of relief....of joy....of pride.....of disappointment.....of hope.....but most of all, LOVE. Austin propelled me into adulthood and we grew together. Me into the woman that I am destined to be, and him into his adulthood. Although it is Austin's birthday today, with tears pouring softly down my face, I feel a huge sense of relief that I did it. I did it even though I didn't know how. Even though I had people criticize and drag me down. Even though I lacked confidence at times. Even though I cried myself to sleep many nights from fear of not doing the best job of raising my children and letting them down. I DID it.......I did it. Thank my Heavenly Father, I did it!

RE-locating, adding another home base

We have gotten a second home in Troutdale, OR, which is about an hour drive or more from where we have been. This is to be closer to our business we are developing. The task of doing so has been more than consuming and I find myself exhausted and spent in a delightful way. I feel good that we are working on our dream, and I feel completely drained from the sheer effort involved. The place we are setting up in is three stories, and TALL ceilings, which make a LOT of stairs! This is a great work out and I call it FREE GYM. Thanks to Renee ;-)

I find that I am blessed with physical symptoms that tell me when it is time to slow down/ to back off and take a break, and now is the time! With this huge hurdle behind me, I feel consumed with reflection on all the like skills and lessons that I am learning, all be it slowly. I am learning that balance is to reign over production. I am learning that love is to reign over perfection and mostly, that grace ought to rein over all. Unfortunately, as a very driven individual, I am not prone to this as a natural born understanding, but must toil tirelessly to beat my head against the stubborn wall of 'accomplishment'. It seems that God would have me learn to cherish the stillness; the balance so that I may enjoy the fullness of joy in my life.

So, as I embrace this lesson, (which I admit is progress from simply noticing it), I do so with a kind of understanding that leads toward integration....or at least an appreciation that I have not had. I have a deep, driving desire to move into this new phase of life with balance. This is going to be a phase where I am about to take on an enormous endeavor and one that I am fully experienced with and know full well the breadth of energy it takes. Yet......I intend to take with me the balance, love and grace that are the characteristics of my Creator.

Tonight, I sit back and thank God for bringing me through the perils of this year. They have brought me to the raw, open bottom of life and allow me to sit in the areas that I have been so very deficient in. For so long, I have pushed myself way too hard. It is time for balance, love and grace toward myself as well.

My yoga; It's calling me......

It seems a long, soft struggle (no pun intended), to get rid of the baby weight from my surrogate pregnancy. I could think of a thousand reasons possibly why, but in short, it just really doesn't matter. I have a husband who loves me, thinks I am beautiful and sexy and I feel good about myself.......

BUT, I have longed to be the thin woman that I am most accustomed to. After having five babies, I am finding it hasn't been as easy to get it together fitness wise. Yet, I have let myself linger in healing. No matter how long or in what capacity the need has shown itself. I would have never guessed how difficult the surrogacy would have been on me.

For the last two months, I have been enjoying reaching out of my normal mode of connecting to my body. I have been doing Zumba, which really isn't new to me as I did teach it for a while before the last baby. But, the fast paced, cardio intensity has been just what I have needed to let lose physically. All the while, there has been a deep disinterest in my yoga, compared to normal at least. As a teacher and practitioner, it has been almost a decade of focus. After quitting my relationship with the studios that I managed, I have felt free to walk away from my mat. Now that I am gearing up to open my own studio, i have known that a focused study would be good for me physically and inspirationally, as I will be teaching a lot again. What I didn't know is that the craving, the drive, the desire would show up just when it needed to.

I now, am finding myself in that familiar place of craving the asanas. Craving the strain and surrender that only they can bring and again deeply appreciating the secret wisdom that I find on my mat; in my yoga. All I can say is, AHHHHH, hello Tara :-)

Surenduring in discomfort

As I swing the sledgehammer today, I reflected on the literal comparison in my spiritual life; that of tearing down walls. It seems that God is moulding me for a fine endeavor. One that I have set course for and am eager to explore, but one with tumultuous rapids! My spirit has wrestled and struggled for such control and I find it to be like fighting the rapids of a mighty river. You can strive all you like, but your effort can only have so much impact. You can see the falls ahead and it can be scary as hell, but you don't have any choice......NONE. The Only thing you can do is rest into the flow, set your ore for an encouragement toward direction. See the easiest flow line and aim for it. It's going to be one hell of a shift, but what is waiting on the other side is what it is all about...

I have struggled and tried so hard to prepare for all of these shifts; where will we live? how will we make ends meet starting a new business? what happens if we run out of money? Utter panic has at times tried to creep in.

We are working eagerly and daily on the project of opening our own facility for wellbeing; one that I so aptly know how to run. One that will be a delight to ourselves and the community. And yet, it is tough. Physically, spiritually and emotionally. Everything from my faith in God to make the actual budget reach to the trust that a home that will meet our needs will be provided for the move. Add to that excitement, the test of entering into a business partnership with my new husband after four years of being a rough, tough, divorced mother of four! OH, and one more exciting element: he is also the landlord of the business :-) Yeah, lots of dynamics. Honestly tho, it only tends to showcase what an amazing love relationship this man and I have. I am so utterly blessed. But.......it IS work ;-)

Bending over, I grip the hammer, pull the ventilator over my nose, shifting my goggles down. The assailant swung high above my head, I swing; WHACK!.........Whack........WHACK!!!. And on, and on. Plaster flying in my face and hair, I feel the flood of all the possible short falls. I am feeling the drain of all the fear. And a deep swoooooosh of breath again, I drop the tool, letting it fall limp at my side. Again; commitment. Swinging again over my head, harder now, SMACK, WHAM, BLAST thru the wall! As the light pours in through the other side, I know we are making a commitment to move forward. There is nothing that my fortitude cannot overcome. If it is hard, I will just work harder. IF it is lengthy, I will just work longer. If it is dirty, I will just get dirtier. Whatever it takes, I feel the faith fill me and know that there is nothing that stands between my success and this moment of utter ruin than me and my mind......... 'Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.' Mark 11:24.

My God, fill me with your Holy Spirit. Let me know that You are near. Let me trust in You daily as I fill my heart and those around me with the joy of your presence.