My father raised myself and my two older brothers. He loved us dearly and worked very hard to provide for us. I was able to visit my mother at summer and sometimes spring break, but to say that I have had any sort of role model for the life that I have now built would be crazy. For as long as I can remember, all I wanted was to have babies. And I sure didn't have to wait long. I embraced pregnancy and planned for a home-birth, also making other uncommon choices for my children such as circumcision, vaccination, infant feeding and schooling. It seemed that at every turn, I was faced with a new choice, but without any real experience to draw from. At one point, an overwhelming realization that I was 'winging it' came over me. For a while, I felt sorry for myself in this regard. And then, I realized that it meant I had no limits to the mother I could be. Without a life growing up observing my mother around 'mothering', I wouldn't be limited to her choices.
So, as I spent more than a decade having babies and finding out who I am as a woman and a mother, the journey was tenuous to say the least. I was young and inexperienced and had no childhood to compare these things to, being the youngest of the three siblings. It's almost as if one day, I looked at myself home-birthing, home-schooling, extended breastfeeding, non-vaccinating, hanging my cloth diapers on the clothes line......and I felt very alone. Isolated out in a little town before the advent of the social media market.....there was little peer support. Actually, I had none. In this 'isolation' of non-conformity, I found strength. I found a strength that I had no idea existed. The level of commitment that I felt toward my children in regard to my mothering grew to a fierce fire that would serve us all very well.
As my marriage fell apart after 14 years, I found myself a single, stay-at-home, home-schooling mother. It was terrifying, but I was absolutely unwilling to compromise my dedication to my children or my style of parenting. So, for four years as a single mother, I did whatever was necessary to remain at home and being the one to mould and educate my children. This time was full of anger, frustration, fear, pain, and bitterness. But finally, healing began to grow. Four years later, I was blessed to have married a man who had become my best friend. Although that road has not been easy with integrating another adult into my home, it has been a huge blessing. The support of a loving partner is irreplaceable.
I can now say that after 18 years of mothering, it has been by far, the toughest role I will ever fill. It has been harder and more rewarding than anyone could ever imagine (that is if a woman gives her all into it). I have questioned myself at every turn, learning to rely heavily on my God-given intuition and sense of instinct......learning also to pray and ask God when I think I can't go on. I have learned to stand confidently when I come to a choice or perspective, regardless of others' views.
So, as I sit here after the first 18 years of my adult life also celebrating the life of my first born reaching 'adulthood', I am overflowing with emotions of relief....of joy....of pride.....of disappointment.....of hope.....but most of all, LOVE. Austin propelled me into adulthood and we grew together. Me into the woman that I am destined to be, and him into his adulthood. Although it is Austin's birthday today, with tears pouring softly down my face, I feel a huge sense of relief that I did it. I did it even though I didn't know how. Even though I had people criticize and drag me down. Even though I lacked confidence at times. Even though I cried myself to sleep many nights from fear of not doing the best job of raising my children and letting them down. I DID it.......I did it. Thank my Heavenly Father, I did it!
